Hate. Sadness. Rant

Fuck id laugh if they all woke up and had no energy, motivation and ambition.
Everytime they tried to stick at something, half way through doing so they fucked it all up like me.
Fuck you man, fuck you, you lazy cunt.

You HAVE to do this,
Give these people your money, and credit them with being more successful than yourself, after all they were born with wealthy parents who pushed them from an early age to condition them to make money in later life, push themselves at study and sport.
Hey presto you are happy.

I fucked it all up.
I find it increasingly more and more difficult to focus on anything.
I want to sleep all day, and focus on things i enjoy.
I hate having to fit into society's pre determined molds even though removing this aspect from your life will leave you poor and being a materialistic person, this is not an option.

So after recognizing this, i am in a limbo of uncertain fate.
I am currently suicidal and rigorously go over my suicidal routine in my head.
I shall get drunk as this will make me less questionable towards my own actions, as every time i have seriously attempted suicide i have been sober and fucked it up out of emotional regards over my family/ whoever else i care about at the time.
After getting drunk off spirits hopefully this will quell these emotions.
Following the alcohol i shall dose myself with a bottle of cough medicine, strong pharmaceutical opiates (hydrocodone) followed by another drug that speeds my heart rate up like speed or ecstasy.
Hopefully this will lead to coma followed by either suffocation or cardiac arrest.
I will do this away from my family home out of respect to my parents, and also so any paramedics will find me to late to attempt a resuscitation.

Its funny, people at the psychiatric ward are constantly telling me that i am worth something to them although they dont know me.
"Meh"
'You're such an awesome young man, and we can help you'
"no"

I dont see that happening, you have tried and tried again and never got any closer to helping me.

Out of boredom i typed suicide into Google.
All the hits were related to suicide prevention.

Most of the sites were useless having either strong philosophical or religious messages, or they were written by illiterate fuckwits who fail to successfully portray the emotional understanding of serious depression, leading me to believe the people writing the websites have little idea how i feel.
This means they cant help me.

The lowdown.co.nz was a site that was given to me by my psychiatrist last year.
Because of the stupid name, (" da Lowdown gee, itl make u feel heapz good baw")i avoided it. When you are depressed stupid lighthearted shit like this makes you hate the people that the government choose to raise awareness on matters said.
Anyhow, upon entering the site i was greeted with famous people, celebrities, musicians and fucking rugby players.
Fuck all of them.
I dont give a shit if you've made it, i dont look up to you, you are stupid mainstream fuckwits who have been offered publicity to talk about how You woke up one day and found it difficult to get out of bed coz you were depressed for two weeks because you ran out of coke.
This website makes me want to hurt myself with how fucking stupidly mainstream it is and how people expect youth of today with serious mental health issues to idolize rugby players in times of crisis, and listen to these meat heads talk about bullshit.


In saying that i have a hard time seeing how anybody can understand me.
Being a unique individual, you dont know me.

In fact fuck you for thinking so.

My psychiatrist failed to come to a conclusive treatment plan today.
I was told my best option was some day program for mental people.
I dont want to go to a day program for mental people.
At the moment i hate people.
If i dont know you, and we dont have much in common, i dont want to know you.
Dont talk to me, dont look at me, dont talk about me.
Anyhoo Ive got another appointment tomorrow, i will be given pills for anxiety and drug withdrawal ( even though i will be using said pills in combination with hard drugs for experimentation with poly drug abuse).

On another note.
About me hating people.
The thing i hate the most are showoffs.
eg: He did something that was cool.
He made everybody like it because it went on facebook.

If you take photos of things you have done and put them on facebook you are proud of what you have done and would like to show other people how good you are.

This is also known as bathing in your own shit.

"HEY EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY PHOTOS BECAUSE I AM SO GOOD AT WHAT I DO"

I do not see much point of self glorification, so i dont post photos of my stuff on facebook, which means i dont get glorified by my peers , therefore i get jealous of other peoples posts.

Thats a bit silly.